Breaking News: Carl Icahn Named New Citigroup CEO!

In a late-breaking story after the 4PM EST close of US equity markets, unknown sources reported that one-time corporate raider, now shareholder-value champion Carl Icahn, has been approached by the board of Citigroup to take the CEO position, and has accepted same.

The completely unconfirmed story alleges that Citi board member Richard "Dick" Parsons broached the idea to Icahn, on behalf of the entire Citigroup board.

Parsons was reputed to have claimed, in an off the record comment,

'I've had.....ahh...dealings, yes, dealings and experience with Carl. He is a most tenacious man. Once he believes he knows what will unlock and increase shareholder value, he will stop at almost nothing to do that. Believe me, I know whereof I speak. *Sigh*

With Carl as Citi CEO, the board feels we know exactly what we are going to get. We anticipate no surprises whatsoever as Mr. Icahn is given free reign to create more value at the bank.'

When reached for an unsubstantiated comment on this story, Icahn is reputed to have replied that, upon taking over at Citi, he'll move 'like a hot knife through butter' to unlock business value.

CNBC on-air reporter Charlie Gasparino was rumored to have asserted that none of his sources were familiar with the Icahn offer.

"Completely unbelievable and preposterous,"

Gasparino was alleged to have said of the idea that Citi would turn to Icahn to clean up its mess.

In further unconfirmed and unrecorded remarks, the shareholder value advocate was believed to have said, when asked if he had yet reviewed business plans at the banking behemoth,

'Business plans????

I don't need no stinkin' business plans!

You don't need a business plan to spin this turkey into four or five portions in time for Thursday's dinner! All you need is the phone numbers of the M&A guys at Goldman, Morgan Stanley and Lazard. And maybe Steve Schwartz's, too.'

When asked to confirm these remarks, Citigroup acting chairman Bob Rubin was not quoted as saying,

"Carl is a unique creator of corporate value. He has a style all his own, and we look forward to him adding value for our shareholders and continuing the fine work Chuck Prince and his predecessor, Sandy Weill, began here at the bank. With Carl's instincts and decisiveness, we believe he will rapidly understand the global nature of Citigroup's strengths and act on them accordingly to increase value as soon as possible.

Fortunately for Citigroup, Carl's lack of experience in the finance sector will not be a hindrance to his carrying out the board's mandate to him as CEO. Whereas other candidates lacked the ability to operate various parts of our firm, with Carl, that's irrelevant. In fact, Carl has unlocked material value at other companies with whose businesses he had no prior personal experience. Frankly, we're excited by that prospect, and hope he can repeat his earlier successes here at Citi.

Given Dick Parsons' experience with Carl, the board feels extremely confident that he (Mr. Icahn) will leave no stone unturned in his quest to add value to the firm, no matter who gets in his way."

A disreputable source who claims to have seen Icahn's compensation agreement noted that it provides for no salary, only a percentage of the gain in market value of Citigroup common stock between Monday, when Mr. Icahn is expected to begin his tenure as CEO, and one year from that date.

When asked to comment on this, Mr. Icahn was rumored to have responded,

'I really shouldn't respond. However, let me just say, in this situation, the parent company won't be around long enough to pay me a salary. I'll do much better with a share of the value I unlock by breaking the joint up. Think....nuclear fission.....'

Calls to various sources for confirmation on the information contained in this column were not returned.


Author's Note: Of course, this is a completely fictional story. However, upon discussing this post, which I wrote earlier today, with my partner at lunch, I realized that Icahn has the perfect credentials for resolving Citigroup's dilemma by spinning it into its component units. Not having years of experience in other industries did not prevent him from increasing shareholder value in those instances.